Some of you may have spotted me among the ‘CabariotersTM‘ in the above incredible, now viral, smash hit TOO CABARET: A Message For Gary Barlow vid on YouTube; a little word on the project and your humble narrator’s involvement.
It all started, as I firmly believe that all things will always start now, revolutions, insurgencies, Armageddons whathaveyou, with a Facebook status…
Apparently Gary Barlow (doughy-faced, conservative-campaigning, tax-dodging, punchable fuck-muppet from 90s imagination-vacuum boy band Take That) was using the word “cabaret” in a pejorative sense, to describe acts (on the fraudulently described talent show The X-Factor, in which he fraudulently acts as an authority on talent) which he deems old hat, tacky (pot kettle black anyone?) and so on. To quote: “These aren’t people who have spent years in clubs and sound like cabaret artists, these people are relevant.”
Mannish, of awesome sexypeople and frankly ridiculously talented cabaret pop-terrorist duo Frisky & Mannish, took issue with this use of the word and said so on Facebook. This is where I, and many others, saw it and outrage justifiably ensued.
My comment was really to say that yes it was offensive that these things had been said but no more so that The X-Factor is anyway. I said that while I didn’t want to get into an argument with anyone who watched the show (many do) I was surprised that anyone would be shocked that such shit would come out of such a shit programme and that both The X-Factor and Barlow should be set on fire. Now before I get thrown into prison for hyperbole, no, I don’t actually want Gary immolated; the programme yes, the authorities should step in, burn the building to the ground and salt the earth. Barlow should maybe just be kept under house arrest and never again be allowed to inflict himself on the general pubic.
Ahem. As you may have gathered, my opinion on this, and on Barlow, is somewhat more militant than some others involved. Views expressed here are not necessarily those of CabariotTM, or its affiliates etc. To me, The X-Factor and Gary Barlow are cultural POISON, plain and simple. Barlow himself is venereal, which is odd really, as his ‘musical’ output is almost singularly sexless.
My favourite quote from those involved was from huggable and preternatural object manipulator Mat Ricardo: “Weirdly, I think what Gary Barlow thinks cabaret is – mainstream, accessible, unchallenging, boring, bland – is actually what he does”
On the nail, Ricardo, O N T H E N A I L .
But I digress…the issue CabariotersTM had was with the sullying of the word cabaret and we would not stand silent!
Frisky & Mannish sprang into life and a flawless (and catchy as all get out) parody song was written, a short film planned, and the CabariotTM began! I was incredibly flattered to be written into the script, particularly alongside many cabaret luminaries, and the day of shooting was great fun; larks aplenty, in fact I’d go so far as to say larks-a-rama.
(I can only apologise for my hair in the latter parts of the above footage. Counselling is available for those effected by follicular issues raised in this film)
Once the vid was finished word spread quickly. Articles appeared all over the show, Heat Magazine Online(!), Time Out, The Guardian, (twice!)… and then, on the night of The Double R Club, Gary Barlow re-tweeted the video, along with word “amazing”. Some gave an “aww” at this, some even used the phrase “good for him”, but as a cabaret performer who was present at the time (and who won’t be named) said : “No, fuck him, he’s still the enemy.”
I mean, how else was Barlow to respond? Slag us off and it’d start a twitter war; the CabariotTM would have escalated! The easiest way to stop the whole thing was to agree with it, or appear to. He gets no credit from me; though a three syllable word from the man who wrote the imbecilic ‘Babe’ (*retch*) is impressive I suppose.
However, by all accounts, in subsequent editions of the X-factor, the word cabaret has been notably absent from the insults and ill-informed advice for the poor hopefuls and young wannabe mediocrities, so CabariotTM has been a success! HUGE and TUMESCENT congratulations to all involved.
Now, to work on Barlow’s house arrest…